I'm Writing About Halloween Toothpaste

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I know what you are thinking because quite frankly I am thinking the same thing... why am I writing about Colgate toothpaste? I don't know...it seemed like a good idea at the time. Halloween toothpaste, I said with a chuckle. 'That is just strange enough to be worth writing about!' Folks, I was wrong.

It seems that no matter what sort of fancy package you put it in... toothpaste is really just that, toothpaste. Therefore, I decided to waste a bunch of it and draw vague Halloween images onto a sheet of orange construction paper. Before we get to that, I should probably explain just what exactly brought us here tonight.

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Blame Target for having hands down the best selection of Halloween candy I've seen in years currently for sale. No joke, whatever you have planned for tomorrow... it's not worth it, instead go to Target and wander around the Halloween candy section and you'll see what I mean. If this is any indication as to what 2012 has in store come October time, we are in for one hell of a holiday season.

I seriously snagged a whole shopping cart full of items for this years countdown, and at some point this toothpaste ended up in the mix as well. What can I say, I got excited from all the other Halloween items and grossly misjudged a tube of toothpaste into thinking it was the second coming of The Great Pumpkin.

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Scroll back up to that first image and tell me what you spot first. You seen the words 'GLOW IN THE DARK' right? How could you not, they are front and center on the top of the package. Right there. Tantalizing. Screaming out to you to buy this toothpaste and twenty more identical bottles of it just in case you run out.

You see I thought that the toothpaste itself was going to glow in the dark. That would have been awesome! I planned an entire article out in my mind, one that had a clever Zuul reference stuck in the middle of it. Instead, it is just the stupid label that glows. And it doesn't even glow all that well. What a load of horse crap.

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I decided the only course of action at this point was to draw a ghost out of toothpaste. He looked much better until I gave him those arms, turns out toothpaste is quite difficult to draw with.

You'll get no Zuul tonight. You'll get no glowing toothpaste either. Hell, you don't even really get a glowing label... but I did get to somehow turn this into an arts and crafts project. That my friends is called satisfaction on a personal level.

For those wondering if Colgate has concocted any sort of strange hybrid Candy Corn scented toothpaste, I am here to shoot down those thoughts too. This is just your average run of the mill watermelon flavor. Pretty much like every other brand of children's toothpaste. Piss on you, Colgate.

There is a silver lining to this post and the reason why I wanted to get it out of the way early. Whatever my follow up piece to this article is will look like the goddam Great Gatsby in comparison.

I'll make up for this post with something really awesome tomorrow, I promise.


  1. Hey, the package has a jack 'o lantern on it. That makes it a good purchase. At least it would look good next to my Halloween Soft Soap dispenser.


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