Sunday, August 19, 2012

Lets Make Sponge Bob Tacos!

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Have you guys looked at the calendar recently? We are about two weeks away from September which means the start of the 3rd annual Two Months of Halloween: 2012 Halloween Countdown. And as soon as October is finished it's right into the 2012 Christmas Countdown. From a writers perspective this is my busiest time of year by far. It also means that for the next four months everything I cover will be specifically chosen to fit within those themes. The time for side projects is quickly coming to a close.

Therefore, let's make some Sponge Bob Tacos. Why not, I mean the time for crazy stupid stuff is now. Plus it looked entertaining enough when I was walking through the store. Don't believe me? Check out the top of the box:

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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This is officially the greatest set of instructions to ever exist. I dare you to tell me otherwise and if you find something better... keep it to yourself, because I don't want to know about it. 

Seaworthy Tacos is one of those phrases that will forever be etched into my memory yet will never again have any sort of practical usage. Therefore, I'm going to use it a bunch of times to conclude this paragraph. You only live once and Rome was not built in a day. Seaworthy Tacos. Seaworthy Tacos. Seaworthy Tacos.

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Here is a photograph of my meat, my hamburger meat that is. Step 1 to achieving Seaworthy Tacos is to brown some good old fashion ground up cow chunks. The more overly processed the hamburger the better. This is America and John Wayne wouldn't have it any other way, damn it. Then again Mr. Wayne probably would not be eating tacos. His loss. Our gain. Sponge Bob Tacos.

This is by far the least interesting of the steps that we will be doing tonight, but thankfully it takes the longest and therefore gives us ample time to check the contents of our taco kit. I'd like to think I am the first person in the history of written language to have typed that last statement.

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Here is the surprisingly detailed back of the box. Ortega really went for gold, providing levels of entertainment normally reserved for cereal boxes. 

The game provided is one of those that has you spotting what is different from the top photo to the bottom photo. Only this time around the correct answer is basically everything. As they could not be more different. I can spot like fifteen different things without even trying.  Speaking of not trying, let's check on that hamburger:

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Son-of-a-bitch! I forgot to turn the flames on. I guess I got overly excited about the whole Seaworthy Taco bit. Mistakes happen. And this project will now take an extra seven minutes. What else do we have in this kit:


Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Well this is interesting. Sponge Bob Mild Taco Sauce. Another finely worded piece of literature thanks to the folks at Orgeta. I am really enjoying this taco kit even if I do not quite understand who the target audience for such a thing is. Are there really kids out there who are such Sponge Bob fanatics that they demand taco kits be made of their favorite character?

Realistically, I think the target demographic is mid twenty-something webmasters who blog about Sponge Bob Tacos. How else can you explain how perfectly bizarre this item is. And on the plus side,  I can eat this sum-bitch when I'm done.

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Patrick Star Taco Seasoning Mix! Now with reduced sodium, because anybody purchasing Sponge Bob Tacos is clearly looking to reduce sodium. 

Is it just me or does the wording of this package sort of make it seem like the taco seasoning is literally made from Patrick Star? Sort of like he got ground up into little starfish chunks and the only logical thing for Orgeta to do was to turn it into taco seasoning. This is starting to get strange, let's check on that hamburger:

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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 Folks, I am at a loss for words. -_-

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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 And then there is this crap. Ten taco shells, those are pretty straight forward. We have all seen taco shells before and these are your run of the mill shells. The other thing that looks like a prize from a box of Cracker Jacks is the stupidly included cardboard crap that you fold into a little stand for your completed tacos to sit in.

Only the directions are like a confusing cipher wrote by the Zodiac Killer himself. Filled with mystery and intrigue, only when you figure it out instead of achieving some grand sense of self price all you really get is a flimsy cardboard stand that holds motherfucking tacos.

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Some will argue that this holder is the best part of the kit. Some have not just spend forty five minutes writing about tacos. In another life I could see myself spending the next seventeen paragraphs about these holders and I must admit, I am strangely attached to them. Sort of wishing that I had held onto one, but my pile of junk which I've labeled 'worth holding onto' has grown to cataclysmic proportions and Sponge Bob themed taco holders might just be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Who am I kidding? I'm buying a second kit tomorrow just for these things.

Sponge Bob Square Pants
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Oh hey look, turns out at some point the hamburger did actually start cooking. Once it is finished step two hundred and thirty seven of Sponge Bob Tacos is to add in the decapitated starfish chunks, or whatever is in that package. Just toss it in with the meat and don't question.

I really want you guys to appreciate the photo above, for it took much effort to accomplish. You see I am right handed and the camera I used for this article is set up in such a way that the shutter button can only be reached with the right hand. 

Yet I couldn't pour that package with my left hand because the starfish really looked best from this angle. And I was burning the hamburger meat trying to take this shot. These are the things I deal with in order to bring you Sponge Bob Tacos.

Sponge Bob Square pants
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At this point you are pretty much done. Save for whatever bullshit you like to put onto the tacos. The red stuff on top is the included Sponge Bob Mild Taco Sauce and I opted to turn mine into a taco salad, because that would be the most anti climatic way to end this article. By not actually technically making the end result into a taco.

Speaking of end results what we have here tastes just like any other 'do it yourself' home taco kit. Which isn't so much a complaint as it is an observation. I'm not sure I'd want to eat a taco that tastes like anything other than a taco. Specifically one that tastes like Sponge Bob just so happens to sound particularly disgusting.

I really don't have a closing for this article.

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