Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Star Wars Go-Gurt!

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And so it begins. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is being re-released  to theaters in 3D on February 10th. Among other things this means a whole slew of new promotional Star Wars items that are going to start hitting stores very shortly. Remembering back to when the new trilogy first hit theaters in 1999, I am going to guess that we are in for a literal shit storm of Star Wars merchandise in the forthcoming weeks.

You know what I am actually fine with that. I don't get obsessive over the franchise but I do consider myself a fan of all the flicks. Yes even Episodes 1-3. For what they are, I enjoy them. Besides no film(s) were ever going to live up to the original three Star Wars films. That is a tough set of standards to be stacked up against and I think the only real fault of Episode 1-3 was George Lucas thinking that anybody would ever give a shit about Darth Vader as an annoying little kid. Nobody wanted to see that. Honestly, some things are better left a mystery and Darth Vader is one of them. I still love that pod racing scene, though.

Anyhow we got Go-Gurt to talk about. I have to make an admission, I am almost twenty five years old and I have never once had yogurt. Never. Don't really have anything against it, although I do think it is kind of creepy looking, but our paths have never crossed until now. Yogurt is just not something that I have ever been interested in trying. I've always sort of walked by the yogurt section in the grocery store and stood staring in mystery at these strange flavors. New York Cheesecake? Watermelon Tart? Butter Pecan? I am a traditionalist and I like things that I can easily understand. Yogurt is not one of them. Now thanks to George Lucas and Star Wars I can end my twenty five year yogurt drought and finally give this strange substance a try...


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Having never eaten yogurt before the obvious thing to do was to spring the extra money for the 16 tube value pack. If I am going to do something I am going to go all out. Also, this was the only box I could find that had Yoda on the front of it. Yoda is my go to prerequisite for trying things for the first time. No Yoda, no chance in hell that I am buying 16 tubes of strawberry watermelon fuckin'-yogurt.

Also, there is this: "Glow in the Dark Slurp Sabers Inside!"  Now we are speaking my language. Yoda is an obvious bonus but only an aesthetic one. The promise of glow in the dark light sabers. Yea, that was what got me excited about this box. Screw the yogurt, I want the glow in the dark light sabers. I dare anyone to defy that logic.

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The back of the box is everything I hate about modern day cartoons. I do not know what these two goofy looking characters are from and quite frankly don't want to know. They just look stupid. I miss the old days when cartoons were awesome and not complete garbage like this. Blah. An entire generation or two of kids are completely getting screwed over with crappy cartoons. We really need stuff like the Ninja Turtles to make a comeback, in the biggest way possible.

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Here is the actual yogurt. It was at this point that I realized I had foolishly purchased an entire box of a product I have never even tried. Upon closer inspection this does not include a glow in the dark light saber, as in one singular bonus item, but each stupid package doubles as a stupid glow in the dark light saber. Well shit. I wanted something physical, something tangible, something to hold onto and umm... probably toss in a box and forget about a couple weeks after writing this entry. What I did with it beyond writing this entry is beside the point, I still want one.

For some reason I was expecting an actual glowstick with a light saber handle stuck to its ass. When I dream, I tend to dream big and once the initial shock of cheap throw away packages went away... I actually stopped to think about it and realized that it made perfect sense. This is yogurt we are talking about here. Yogurt is not going to give away awesome light saber glow sticks. I should have expected this going in and therefore cannot fault Go-Gurt for not living up to my own expectations. As a matter of fact I do sort of like the front of each yogurt tube. They feature all kinds of different characters from the Star Wars universe and little trivia facts to accompany them with. The back of the tube, that is where the glowing saber trick comes into play.

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Attempting to make them glow, a trick I learned while running the 2011 Halloween Countdown, is turning out to be a fairly viable trait for running this website. Glow is not exactly the word i would use to describe the act you are seeing here, though. It is more along the lines of fifteen dozen off camera black lights tricking you into thinking they are glowing. They really are not. Assuming you don't have a fort night's worth of black lights laying around your best bet is going to be to hold them up to a light bulb. This seems stupid and you'll look stupid holding yogurt tubes next to a random light source but at least your not the one who just spent 45 minutes dragging out black lights and extension cords to take fake glowing photographs of yogurt tubes.

As for my first yogurt experience. It tastes about as strange as it looks. Maybe it is just the flavor that I picked out but I am not impressed. Thus far I have went close to twenty five years without eating any and I think I can go close to another twenty five without touching the stuff ever again. I guess this also means that among other things, I can blame George Lucas for making me eat yogurt. And now I have 15 tubes of Star Wars yogurt that, chances are, will sit in my fridge from now until the end of time.

BONUS STAR WARS YOUTUBE VIDEO:
Since we are talking about Star Wars I figure the time is as good as any to bring up one of my favorite user edited Star Wars YouTube videos. Chances are if you are a fan of the franchise, you have already seen this video of Darth Vader being a complete dick towards one of his offices. Even if you have, it never gets old and is worth watching over and over again.



... and if you are really bored you could check out this old article I wrote on Star Wars breakfast cereal.

3 comments:

  1. they don't glow up im having one right now !!!!

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    1. i lied they do :D

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    2. Haha. I half-heatedly tried to make mine glow with natural light for the sake of this article but ultimately decided that using a bunch of blacklights would be the best option. =) I still have a bunch of these left over too.... I officially don't like yogurt.

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