Sunday, October 16, 2011

Little Debbie Gets Down with the Devil!


Halloween has lots of positive things going for it. Horror Movies. Costumes. Parties. Pumpkin carving and candy. Yes indeed, Halloween can be many things to many different people but generally speaking it is the one time of year that allows each and every one of us to eat like a gigantic lard ass. Well... other than Thanksgiving. Eating like a lard ass is sort of the only thing Thanksgiving has going for it these days. So I guess that would make Halloween the second major Holiday that lets us eat to our hearts content. Though so does Christmas. Alright, Halloween is the third most important holiday that allows us eat like slobbish pigs and do not even try to put Easter in front of it. I simply will not allow it.

Proof that we all eat like jackasses around October is provided by the fact that I walked into the grocery store and left with six boxes of Halloween themed Little Debbie snacks. This seems like some sort of record, someone should call the Guinness folk. Many times I purchase the things I write about all at once, these late night trips sometimes end up being more interesting than the articles themselves. You should have seen the look on the face of the people working in the grocery store when I strolled in five minutes before closing time and left with nothing but an arm full of various seasonal snack cakes. I do these things because I love Halloween and this Halloween Countdown has just been way to much freaking fun. This combination makes it physically impossible for me to pass up anything that is vaguely pumpkin shaped and seasonal. Little Debbie must know this because she has a whole host of seasonal junk she is trying to peddle to our fat little country here in 2011. Little Debbie is Down with the Devil and once you see how good most of these snacks are you will be too.Reading this article is kind of like cheating on your diet... but its Halloween time and everyone is entitled to a couple tasty treats!
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Marshmallow Treats are not really seasonal but the package sure as shit is ready for October. Although whoever designed this sort of passed on making it a Halloween package and instead opted for a Fall theme. I feel like we have been down this road before. I am sure you guys know the difference as the proof is in the pie, or in this case off-brand Rice Krispies. But just take a look at how Marshmallow Treats have decided to opt out of any spooky ghosts or scary pumpkins and instead went for falling leaves on a nice warm brown and orange box with a couple uncarved pumpkins for good measure. These remind me of Thanksgiving more than they do Halloween. As a matter of fact if you slap a stupid looking turkey on the front of the box it would totally pass as a Thanksgiving item. But Little Debbie isn't stupid, nobody cares that much about Thanksgiving. So here it is in Halloween. Doesn't mean that Marshmallow Treats are not good (they are) but this is Halloween! I would much rather this box had some crazy witch or photograph Tipper Gore on its front side. You know, something to frighten the children.

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Pumpkin Delights have been around for a while now. I attempted to look up the actual release date but failed to find anything online for it. I know they have been around for at least five or six years now but in all actuality probably longer then that. Pumpkin Delights have a decidedly less fall oriented theme than their Marshmallow counterparts. For those of you studying graphic design and / or marketing this is due to the fact that Pumpkin Delights have less leaves and more brown on the package. For some reason Brown = Halloween. It is a math equation and if there is one thing I have learned in life it is to not question math equations. Nobody fully understands them. I like the over emphasis on the word "PUMPKIN" on the front of the package, sort of makes it look like this is the only product being sold in stores right now with pumpkins in it. This is of course despite the fact that there are about five trillion other products out there at the moment, each putting the exact same amount of over emphasis on the word "PUMPKIN" in there title.

The Pumpkin Delights themselves, initially I was indifferent. After-all they are cookies with some weird jelly like filling on the inside of them which sort of smells like a wax candle. Turns out these suckers are fantastic. I ate almost the entire box before I realized that I needed to snap some proper photographs for this article. They taste excellent but the important thing to remember here is the horribly bizzare looking faces cut into the cookies. If this shit is not the stuff that nightmare are made of I simply do not want to know what is. Just take a look at it. Pumpkin Delights are like looking into the jelly filled, slightly misshapen eyes of Satan. And on that bombshell, lets move onto the next product.

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Fall Party Cakes are the clear cut winners of this group of fat filled, tooth decaying snacks. The other stuff is just stuff randomly packaged as Halloween and marketed towards people who write online blogs and will purchase anything in an orange box. These Fall Party Cakes are for everyone else to enjoy. Though I do kind of want to smack Little Debbie square in the jaw for calling them "Fall" Party Cakes and then putting them in what is clearly the most Halloween themed package of the bunch. I hereby nominate we rename them to Halloween Party Cakes and pretend that Little Debbie logo in the top left corner of the package is actually dressed up as Count Dracula. Or is decapitated. Either way is fine by me. Halloween Party Cakes are delicious and are exactly what you would expect from Little Debbie. This is the same sponge cake with the frosting in the middle and sprinkles on top that they have been selling since '55 but you know what if it is not broke don't fix it! I got into a horrible habit of eating all these snacks for breakfast while I was writing this article but I tell you what, it was totally worth it to eat Halloween Party Cakes for a solid week and a half.

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Fall Party Cakes are the clear cut winners of this group of fat filled, tooth decaying....son of a bitch! These Party Cakes are the exact same things as the Party Cakes I just wrote about. Well... hell I did not realize that when I bought them. Ummm, alright well these are the white cakes and the ones above are the chocolate cakes. When given the option between chocolate Party Cakes and vanilla Party Cakes I know which one I am choosing and it is not the one I am currently writing about. Have I mentioned the pumpkins on the front of the package yet? Well at least those pumpkins are carved. They look like dipshit retard pumpkins but at least they are carved dipshit retard pumpkins. There is a difference. Lets move on.

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Fall Tree Cakes have a different boarder image than the rest for reasons you will never know. When I spotted these in the store my heart jumped with joy. I thought we had a Halloween version of Christmas Tree Cakes. Alas it was just not meant to be, there can only be one Christmas Tree Cake and this is not them. Though they do share the same general shape as there XMAS counterpart the taste is for some reason completely different. How you could take the same five ingredients and have them not end up tasting identical I will never know but for some reason, its like Little Debbie shit in a box and stuck $1.79 on the label. I do not like these Tree Cakes, they have a stupid fall themed to them and each tree is littered with bunches of those goofy hard over-sized sprinkles that taste like plastic. They should have been called Devil Tree Cakes with red frosting and little skull and crossbones all over them. And when you ate them they screamed and green puss leaked from the inside Now that would have been one hell of a product. Lets move on.

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I generally always save the best item for last. Caramel Cookie Bars are not the best item in this list. They are not even in my top two or three items covered in this post. Considering there are only six items covered and technically two of them are the same thing, this does not bode well for Caramel Cookie Bars. This would typically be the point where I make some sort of witty comparison to an unrelated topic and then claim we should move on to another topic but since this one is the last item we have to cover I will at least attempt to dive deeper into Caramel Cookie Bars. Let's focus on what they do right. They have pumpkins on the package. +1 for that. But then again they taste like caramel so -3576 points for that. The bars are generally flat and have some weird bottom filling that may be interpreted as "cookie" but more closely resembles the crushed hopes and dreams of a broken society. Did I mention the caramel? Total horse shit. You know what we need? An awesome 1990's Halloween Commercial to make us forget about Caramel Cookie Bars!


Never has the ability to remove one character and add a talking CGI bee been implemented better than in this Honey Nut Cheerios commercial. I think I have said this every single time I've posted one of these old commercials but man... wasn't Halloween just presented better in the previous decade? It is strange because since about the year 2000 or so all the major retail stores have really bulked up with there Halloween displays so you would think that would mean an increase in awesome television advertisements like this but strangely, this is just not the case. For whatever reason Halloween just is not presented the same as it used to be.

I've been wanting to cover this commercial for quite some time now so I am very excited to finally get a chance to work it in. I am not sure if I have ever came right out and mentioned it but I am a big big fan of the original Frankenstein film. I only rank it just slightly below Bela Lugosi's Dracula but truth be told, I think they both define this era of horror films. Usually the thought of some advertising company going in and editing and manipulating these films for the sake of selling a product would have me all pissed off on how it is ruining the integrity of the original movies... but you know what this one is done so well that I find it impossible to be angry. It is actually quite clever how they managed to take a bunch of scenes from the movie and enter-cut them with some close up shots of a freaking cartoon bee and make it look convincing. It is a shame that they do not allow cereal companies to advertise on TV like this anymore, because so many classic commercials came from there holiday efforts.

I could watch this commercial again and again and every single time still be just as amazed at how well it has been edited together. No matter how mind blowing our early attempts at CGI were back in the day, it is impossible not to go back and laugh at how crude those space ship shots look in "Independence Day" or how weird that JFK / Forrest Gump confrontation looked in that film. But this Honey Nut Cheerios commercial? I'd rank it right up there with Jurassic Park for having some of the best aged early CGI clips of its day. Man... Halloween rules!

1 comment:

  1. Great, now I'm hungry, and your Christmas countdown is really freaking me out! 68 days till Christmas!?!

    Ha ha ha ha!

    Another good blog post, Kyle!

    ReplyDelete