Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Jason Voorhees Doll!

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What can I say, Jason Voorhees is my little friend. My little animated friend who has three different sayings and requires four AA batteries to operate. I am a sucker for things like this, I really am. There is no specific reason why I need a six inch talking Voorheess Doll but here he is and here we are. Halloween is the perfect time of year to talk about him, but just don't bring up what he looks like under that mask. Jason does not approve of those kinds of discussions.


I have a thing for leaving items like this in the package. I don't know why, really. I never plan on selling him but assuming one day I do... it might go by easier with him still being in the original box. Often times though, it is because I find the artwork on the package to be just as interesting as the item inside of it. No matter where I put this Jason doll he just seems at home due to the fact that he has his own little inclosed space to live in. Besides, in a package as open as this one... what possible reason could anyone have for taking him out? Sure one day the batteries on his inside will die and I might have to theoretically take him out to change them but until that day comes here he sits in his original box.

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You see the price sticker? Yea, I didn't pay that. Nobody ever spends full price for Halloween decorations. You always wait until November 1st and get to the stores right-the-fuck when they open and you can snag everything at massive discounts. I'm talking like 75% off sales. It becomes a frenzy of epic proportions with people fighting over who gets the last package of fake cobwebs. You also have the e-bay crowd to deal with. I fucking hate the e-bay crowd. These people ruin the fun for everyone else. I fist fight for shit that I want to put on my front porch and prefer to argue with folk doing the same thing. Not the guy exploiting sales to buy things cheap and mark up 4000000000% on a 'Buy It Now' e-bay auction. I took my chances with this Jason doll, knowing full well that he was a prime "e-bay crowd" item. Thankfully there was enough of him in back-stock that us porch people were able to play nicely with the e-bay folk and everyone left happy. This time.

I'm sure you've noticed by now that Jason is slightly out of proportion. His arms seem a little short and his feet are sort of round and goofy looking. Not to mention his oversized head and undersized machete  None of this matters. Quit nitpicking, this Jason doll is awesome... remember he moves and makes noises. To my YouTube channel:



See. I told you. Awesome. Nevermind the fact that all he really does is just sort of shake his head from side to side and vaguely lift one arm. Awesome. Certain things are open to interpretation... this is not one of them. Let's take a look at the back of the box, since I took the time to photograph it.

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Here you will see my favorite set of instructions for any item covered thus far on the 2011 Halloween Countdown. "Push button to hear the infamous KI KI KI, MA MA MA!" .... oh how I really like the way they took the time to spell that sound effect out for us. "Small in stature but big on evil!" sounds like a tag line Microsoft could use the next time they redesign the Xbox 360. Of course then they would have to replace the startup sound with just Vincent Price laughing from the end of Michael Jackson's Thriller song.

Yea, I don't know what I'm talking about either guys. I think I have covered this Jason doll about as well as it can be covered. For those of you wonder what I do with this thing for the 364 days a year that it is not Halloween. Well he has a spot amongst my DVD collection and just sort of sits out all year long. Does this really surprise anyone? Ohh boy, if there was ever a post that needed to end with a 1990s Halloween Commercial it is this one! So let's see what we can pull out of the non existent vault:


Now we are on to something! Back in the 80's and early 1990's Leslie Nielsen was in just about everything. Due to the success of the "Naked Gun" films Coors Light decided to basically rip the holly hell out of them with a string of commercials staring Nielsen doing basically the exact same thing he did in the film. And you know what, it worked. They are funny as hell and could probably be re-aired today and nobody would be any of the wiser. Well... save for the fact that despite all his talents, Leslie Nielsen has the glaring error of being dead, but that is beside the point.

No massive dissection is needed for this commercial, which was the first in a series called "The Search for Halloween Headquarters". It is just funny. At least I think this brand of humor is funny, results may vary but I've always been a fan of stuff like this over top of someone like Dennis Miller making references that you have to be a High School history teacher to understand. What I'm getting at is the "nice can" bit is flat out hysterical to me.

And once again, look at the level of dedication given to Halloween in the early 1990's. Coors Light had enough faith in the holiday to hire Leslie Nielsen and produce a series of advertisements with him in it. All for the sake of Halloween. I also like the underlying message that you should be drinking on Halloween.  Which, who can deny that logic? Its sound and I fail to see any flaws within it.


And by series, I of course mean there are only technically two of them. But for a commercial... that is as close to a series as it gets. How many times have you seen a commercial have a part one and part two to it with re-occurring characters? Don't answer that. I like it better my way, where we pretend these Coors Light commercials are epic 'Lord of the Ring' style productions. Only with Leslie Nielsen staring as Frodo and his epic journey is to get some Coors Light. Along the way there is a door shaped like a mouse trap and a designated driver joke. I'm officially having more fun writing about this than I was the Jason doll. Maybe I should change the formatting of this post and call it the 1990's Coors Light Halloween Special (with bonus Jason Voorhees Doll) ... but that would require a lot of re-formatting on my part. And if there is one thing I hate it is doing things that start with "re". Ahhh well, as long as someone vaguely enjoys something at some point in this post, it is a job well done.

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