Friday, October 21, 2011

Dollar Tree Body Parts!

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Like any department store around this time of year the Dollar Tree is typically hit or miss in terms of what your going to find. We have already hit it big with these 3-D Window Stickers, which I have dubbed the greatest item of the 2011 Halloween Season. But we also struck out hardcore with these Gummy Candy Pieces, which where confusing to look at and tasted like plastic ass. The Dollar Tree clearly wanted to make up for that last entry by providing a whole bunch of awesome severed body parts and packaged organs. Did I mention how well these things photograph? For as cheap as they are, they look incredible under proper lighting. I think you guys are going to enjoy this entry in the 2011 Halloween Countdown!


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I usually try to save what I think is the best item for last but I am feeling especially festive today so here is my favorite item first. Tis the season and all. Before we get to the actual brains, livers, and hearts pictured above I would like to take a minute to remind everyone that the above items only cost me a grand total of $3.00 to buy. That. Is. It. By comparison you can get a brain of only slightly higher quality for $6.99 (plus shipping) through Fright Catalog and even then... it is only slightly larger and not that much more detailed than this one. With the correct lighting these sucks look every bit as good as there more expensive counterparts.

These organs come in three different variates, Bogus Brains, Phony Bologna Liver, and Cheating Heart. As you can see each package is made up to look like something you would purchase at your local meat counter. Complete with Nutritional Information, Suggested Serving, and Fat Content. Bogus Brains suggest that you braise the left lobe with slightly sauteed fava beans. The Cheating Heart is apparently 18% clogged with fat content while Phony Bologna Liver is 28% bile.  I love these things! And the best part is they are so cheap that if any kids are brave enough to touch them, I just may be giving these out as extra prizes on Halloween Night!

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The plastic Severed Hands are nothing new, unless of course your definition of the word new includes the phrase "probably dates back to 1930s gag shops across America" then yes, Severed Hand  is an entirely new item for the 2011 Halloween Season. I feel like there is not much to say about this item. It is a hand. It is made of plastic. It lacks an arm and someone has drawn Egyptian hieroglyphs in red paint near the stump of mine. I enjoy this particular model of Severed Hand based on how "meaty" the amputated end looks, I've seen plenty that come to just a clear break. Those hands are no-place near as cool as mine. They would be the George Harrison to my Severed Hands John Lennon. Serviceable but not the reason why we are buying the records.

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Up next is George Harrison's Severed Foot, a complementary piece to the Severed Hand. I figure if you are going to own one you might as well own them both. Looking back I probably should have purchased two hands and two feet that way I had a matching set but then again that would have required me digging through the bin of Severed Feet searching for a left and right foot. Even I have my limits and digging through plastic feet is one of them. George Harrison's Severed Foot does have the same awesome bloody stump as the hand, though it does lack in the Egyptian hieroglyph department. Which, much like George Harrison, makes it slightly less cooler than the rest.

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I do not believe these Severed Fingers belong to any members of the Beatles, but if they did it would probably be Paul. The original Paul, not the imposter Paul posing as him today. Either way I like these Severed Fingers, proof by the fact that I purchased two bags of them. Now I am sure we have all owned some type of Severed Fingers before (a statement that will come back to haunt me in the court of law some day) and typically you get a bag of fingers that are all identical shapes and sizes. Not here. Not at the Dollar Tree. These babies are the Cadillac of broken body parts!

Each bag comes with five fingers, each corresponding to the actual amount of digits you have on your hand. So you got an index finger, middle finger, pinky finger, that one which does not have a clever name, and a motherfucking thumb. I am about ready to start misusing analogies in excitement over this thumb. Rome was not built in a day and you should not count your chickens before fall time, McFly because this thumb is the coolest thing I have ever seen. Actually all these fingers are. For only a buck they legit look like someone went on a chopping spree on someone elses hand. I especially approve of the piece of bone sticking out of each.

On an unrelated topic my janitor just walked by my computer screen at work and asked "are those a bunch of dicks?" and I just had to spend the last five minutes explaining why I was typing about Severed Fingers. But I do not care because these fingers are awesome and I cannot wait to put everything in this post together and create a scene that Leatherface would be proud of! I am very proud of all of these body parts, it was a really good "bang for your buck" purchase. I have enough amputated items right here to set up an entire table full and as a matter of fact I think this is going to be the theme around my candy table come Halloween night. The best part about all of this stuff? I spent $7.00 on everything you see pictured here. Dollar Tree rocks!

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