Friday, October 7, 2011

15 Gummy Candy Body Parts!

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Not all entries found within the Halloween Countdown are created equal. Thus far we have had a pretty wide selection of things either new or old that have all been pretty cool in there own respective ways. However every once and a while I purchase an item that seems interesting but turns out to be anything but. 15 Gummy Candy Body Parts sold in a mini cardboard coffin for only $1.00 seemed like a sure fire hit. Turns out I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Stay as far away as possible from this Dollar Tree find, it will only ruin your day with false promises and lies!

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What initially drew me to purchase these was the awesome looking cardboard coffin. Whoever made these gummy candies, and I only use the term "candy" in the most broadest of definitions, clearly put all there resources into designing this package. It is very tough to resist a bloody coffin that promises gummy eyeballs, chattering teeth, and still pumping hearts on the inside of it. I love the clear window allowing you to peek inside the coffin. My only complaint with the package is that they should have "hinged" the door so you could easily open and closed the casket. I know if I was about seven years old my first thought would be to toss the gummy candy to the floor and use the coffin for my Dracula Donatello TMNT figure!

Since I'm not seven years old I will not be transforming the casket into a Ninja Turtle accessory. Therefore, I have ran out of pleasant things to say about Gummy Candy Body Parts.  Lets talk about why this product makes me cry on the insides. For starters 15 pieces is a downright lie. I interpreted it to mean that there would be 15 different body parts in here. Not the case. You only get 15 items total. Teeth, eyes, feet, and hearts are all included in what appear to be randomly selected increments.  Giving the asking price of only one dollar I probably should have been able to figure out that the 15 pieces would include a lot of repeat gummy candies. This is sort of a mistake on my behalf but I am still holding it against Gummy Candy Body Parts. This is strike one against the set. We have about forty trillion more to go.

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These strange circular things are supposed to look like teeth, possibly vampire fangs but that part is open to interpretation. I'm not convinced that whatever mold these things came from was originally supposed to be for gummy teeth. Looks to me like someone just sort of decided that they could be painted to resemble teeth and said good enough. The one on the bottom looks like a gigantic gaping vagina with some sort of infection running through it. Pardon the expression but it does. And now you will never be able to view it as anything but. Vagina teeth. That is strike number two.

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Strike number three, four, five, and six include this pile of... ummm, stuff. I think they are hearts but they could also be a spleen or maybe even a pancreas. It is not really clear. Since a heart is pictured on the outside of the box I am going to assume that is what they are. Whatever the case may be we have our first instance of them just throwing in a whole shit load of one item in order to reach 15 total. Not sure why they would pick the item that is hardest to identify to give you the most of but well, that is Gummy Candy Body Parts in a nutshell. Extra strikes for being impossible to photograph.

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This is the best item of the bunch. Which is not saying much considering how crappy everything else included is. These are either gummy eyeballs or fried eggs that have gone horribly wrong. And before you try to despite the fried egg theory, thinking that nobody could possibly cook eggs that bad, well I have something in store for you. Scroll down to the bottom of this post and check out the included bonus photograph from a couple years back. I am a very poor cook and that was my attempt at breakfast one morning. As for these egg eyes, I do have to admit that  I like them. So naturally they only give you two total. For that, eighteen strikes are necessary.  Heaven forbid they put in a few less of those presumably gummy hearts for more of these scrambled eyes.

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The last item, which also comes in a strangely large quantity is ummmm... well, whatever the hell these things are supposed to be. I think its supposed to be a foot. But it doesn't really have toes, persay, as much as hit has some randomly carved lines on the opposite end of what appears to be a gigantic red Lego peg. At first I thought it was a finger, which would have been awesome, so naturally it wasn't. Instead they are goofy little undersized toddler feet. I would like to give them bonus points for at least making the foot bloody on one end. But I cannot for the life of me fathom why that red Lego peg had to be included. So minus a fortnight stay at your local speakeasy. Gummy Body Parts blow.

I'm sure some of you out there are thinking that this set might redeem itself in the taste factor. It doesn't. As a matter of fact they somehow taste even worse than they look, and not in a cool and/or ironic Halloween way. They just flat out suck. Gummy Body Parts can best be described as refried ass with chunks of plastic thrown in for good measures. They are stupid. They are horrible. They are a disgrace to the season of Halloween and I wish Gummy Body Parts had never been invented.

But at least the package is cool. Here is your bonus photo of some breakfast I made years ago. I do not advise you hire me to cook.


1 comment:

  1. Funny as H#ll! And, you're absolutely right; I would NOT hire you to cook!

    ReplyDelete