Thursday, September 15, 2011

(Even More) Cheap Halloween Novelties!


The closer we get to the month of October the harder it is to go to the store and not leave with about seventy five trillion dollars worth of Halloween crap. It is just far to hard to pass anything sold in a gigantic orange package with demonic black text, especially since I started writing this blog. It has given me the perfect excuse to buy even more and file it all under the 'technically work' category. Here is my latest batch of frightful goodies which I have not so cleverly named (Even More) Cheap Halloween Novelties! Because it is... you know, some more random junk that I could not live without owning. I'm not a hoarder I am a collector. There is a difference.

Even to my own admission this current crop of crap is not quite as interesting as the first batch of Cheap Halloween Novelties that I wrote about. So instead of taking dozens of individual photos and writing never-ending paragraphs about why I love finger puppets and eyeballs that squirt water and why you should too. We are instead going for a slightly simpler approach with a group photo and shorter description of each items. But don't worry I fully plan on make up for it at the end of the article with an old TV commercial involving a talking slice of pizza. Halloween is the other season of giving, you know.


The two packages of strange black stuff with the pumpkins sticking out all over it is Happy Halloween Garland. I have no idea what I am going to do with this stuff but hey it was only $2.00 for 12 feet of it and I would like to see you pass on that deal of a lifetime. Logically speaking, I needed to own 24 total feet of Happy Halloween Garland... you know just in case I think up of something really interesting to do with it. There is a 90% probability that it will just end up around the deck outside the front of my house with an even greater chance that it stays there through New Years because I am to lazy to take it down. I will just wrap Christmas Lights over the top of it and nobody else will be any of the wiser. Speaking of Christmas does this product remind anyone else of that other season coming up or is it just because it has the word "garland" in the title? Lets move on.

Next up is Vampire Teeth because no Halloween is complete without multicolored, slightly queer looking fake teeth. I can live with the orange and green colors and am sort of indifferent on the purple set but hot pink? If you ever meet a Vampire with hot pink teeth run. Seriously just run. Do not stand and question why such an abomination exists. Vampires with pink teeth are not out to suck your blood nor are they interested in women. Get your cardiovascular on and get the hell out of there while your sanity and dignity are still in check. But let's digress and move back towards the actual Vampire Teeth here for a minute. Color combinations aside, these teeth are one of the few unchanged items from when I was a kid that still exist today in the exact same form they did when I was a child. That last sentence is a perfect example of a 'run on sentence' but I am not going to edit it. Vampire Teeth are a fun item that inevitably one out of every ten kids will wear to school and subsequently get taken away. Parents, just pray your child does not elect to wear the hot pink set.  Now, lets move on.

Foam Stickers. There was a reason why I purchased this package of Foam Stickers but I do not remember what it was anymore. I think it mostly had to do with the fact that it was the last package left in the store and I will be damned if someone else was going to own it other than me! If I had to make up some random percentage, which I fully plan on doing,  I would venture that 83% of these Foam Stickers were sold to second grade English teachers using them to "sticker" kids writing assignments. You'll be lying to yourself if you do not agree with that last statement. As I am not currently a second grade English teacher, I really don't have any clue what I am going to do with these. Maybe I will put them in with the rest of my candy / toys on Halloween Night. Though I would feel quite bad if some kid tried to eat that little piece of foam candy corn. Maybe I will keep them. Maybe I will decorate my computer with them? Maybe I will write and grade my own English assignments so I can sticker my own paper? This is turning into a prime example of a "run on paragraph." but I am also electing not to edit it. Let's move on.

Lastly we come to my favorite item of the group Glow in the Dark Skeleton Gloves! Decorating for Halloween is not as hard nor as time consuming as it might seem. There is actually a very simple formula to follow, which I would now like to share with everybody. When it comes to Halloween junk you can:

A.) Never have enough things that glow in the dark.
B.) Never have enough skeleton gloves.                     

This item does both. Thus making it the greatest thing I have ever seen and something I should wear year long. Clocking in at the low, low price of only $1.50 and coming sold in a way that made them impossible to actually try on in the store I figured these things would either be so gigantic that no normal person could ever hope to wear them or so small that a five year old would bitch about the size. Turns out they fit perfectly. Who could have guessed? I have had many pairs of skeleton gloves over the years and my least favorite kinds are the ones with the hard plastic pieces sewn on top. My favorite being the ones with a simple design painted on. This pair somehow manages to fall perfectly in the middle by giving cool little raised pieces that are actually apart of the fabric and they glow in the dark. I approve. I vastly approve, actually.


BONUS PIZZA COMMERCIAL!!!! Surely I cannot be the only person who remembers Pizza Hut's slightly bizarre series commercials called "The Pizza Head Show"? Just in case I am allow me to explain. The Pizza Show was a series of shorts that ran from 1993 to 1997 that stared (literally) a slice of pizza with a face and his arch nemesis Steve... who was a fucking pizza cutter. Someone was seriously stoned when they thought up this idea. The fact that it not only got turned into a series of commercials but managed to last for four years is quite frankly amazing.

This is the Halloween commercial and while I am not quite sure what its original air date is, judging by the overall look of it I would have to guess it was one of the later commercials. I would attempt to explain just what the hell is going on in this specific commercial but umm I am not really sure. You will just have to watch it and judge for yourself. All that I know is that it is thirty seconds of pure awesome and involves a pizza cutter dressed as Count Dracula. Do you really need any more reason to watch it then that?

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