Wednesday, September 14, 2011

10 Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse!



Zombies. One day they will rise from the grave and destroy us all. It is not a matter of if but a matter of when. So when the day finally arrives that you find the rotting corpse of your next door neighbor violently chewing on the spleen of your sister in-law, you can either panic and quickly find yourself amongst the living dead or you can stay calm and follow these ten simple rules for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse! The choice is yours!

Tip One - Travel in Small Numbers: During a Zombie Apocalypse it will always best to travel with a friend or two. Having two sets of eyes will help to spot oncoming threats sooner, as well as the ability to split work loads, seach for supplies and the general bonus of not only moral support but the fact that two minds agre greater than one. However anything larger than five or six people will not only bring about unwanted attention from other living people but will also go a long way in attracting the attention of the undead. Traveling with a large numbers of individuals does not mean that you are any safer, it simply means you have more people to feed, more people to cloth, more people to shelter, and more people to argue with  if things should suddenly go wrong.  Keep your numbers small and your chances for survival will increase! However, like any rule there are always exceptions. Which brings us to our second survival tip...

Tip Two - Always Travel with One Large Friend:  In this new zombie ridden post-apocalyptic future inevitably states that at some point you are going to find yourself in a situation that requires running. Lots and lots of running. There is also a high probability that at some point  the zombies will catch up to and subsequently eat at least one person in your fleeing group. The easiest way to avoid this person being YOU is to always travel with at least one rather large, rather out of shape individual who can be easily discarded and left behind. When selecting your traveling group, try not to get to attached to your new found fat friend. Instead think of them as an insurance policy, knowing that when you find yourself in a situation that requires extended cardiovascular work you will always have that one person to outrun. And try not to feel bad for your large (temporary) companions as this is the circle of life working at its finest. They enjoyed their fair share of McDonald's in a prior life and are now being enjoyed as McDonald's in death. Zombie McDonald's that is.

Tip Three - Stop. Collaborate. And Listen: May be lyrics to a popular Vanilla Ice song from the early 1990's but here in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse they now hold an entirely new meaning! "Stop" meaning to take the time to stop and look at the situation you are going into. Know your entrance as well as your exits. "Collaborate", talk amongst your group and decide what the best course of action is for any given situation. Always have a plan of attack in mind when entering new and possibly volatile situations. "Listen" to what is going on around you. You will often times be able to hear an oncoming zombie hoard long before you will actually be able to see them. So be sure to listen to your surrounds as well as looking at them. Follow this tip and your survival chances will greatly exceed the musical career of Vanilla Ice. Word to your mother.

Tip Four - The More Weapons the Better: Seriously. The only thing better than having one shotgun is having four semi-automatic shotguns, an assault riffle, three handguns, a chainsaw, and lots of ammunition. It almost goes without saying that in the future zombies will outnumber humans on a 3 to 1 basis. Though it is wiser to try to avoid conflict all together you will at some point have to kick ass and chew *bubblegum. There is no real point in being stingy with the amount of weapons that you and your traveling group have at your disposal. After all different situations are going to require different methods for blowing zombies to bits. Be prepared and carry everything that shoots, explodes, flames, and otherwise destroys. You will thank yourself in the long run.

*bubblegum optional

Tip Five - Acquire an Armored Vehicle: When the Zombie Apocalypse hits it is important for you to act quickly and be amongst the first to secure the proper means of transportation. When the zombie's strike everyone will initially panic but it is important for you to keep your cool and act quickly. Other thief's will be focusing in on high end sports cars and other useless vehicles but in order to survive you will need something much stronger than a Ferrari. I recommend an armored bank van or any suitable substitute. While the vehicle may be slower to travel in it is tough and bullet resistant allowing you to plow through most situations. Armored vehicles are ideal because of the added space found in the back, giving you plenty of room to keep your weapons stashed, as well as supplies and other members of your traveling party. If possible it would be wise to get two of these armored trucks, thus allowing your group to travel in pairs. If an armored vehicle cannot be located, a suitable substitute would be any large offroad type vehicle. A quick tip, avoid the temptation to steal an RV. While they may seem like a good idea they are in fact far to large, too slow, and use too much gas to be practical.

Tip Six - MacGuyver: In the future supplies are going to be increasingly harder to come by. What doesn't get initially destroyed will be quickly hoarded and used up. Even if you are lucky enough to run across someones hidden supply stash it may be far too late by the time you arrive. Everything has an expiration date, from batteries to food at some point it will reach the end of its shelf life. This is why it is very important for you to learn how to 'MacGuyver' things together. The more you can fix and the more things you can make from scratch the better. So stock pile all the duct tape you can because your going to need it! Just don't to trying to make an explosive bomb out of some bamboo and swamp gas, it won't work.

Tip Seven - Don't Always Aim for the Head: The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain. This is in fact a true statement and an important one to remember but it is equally as important to not become obsessed with this fact. If you find yourself surrounded by a group of blood thirsty zombies it is sometimes just as important to clear out as many as you can quickly instead of worrying about being efficient. Of course rule of thumb dictates that whatever weapon you are shooing will determine how much you should follow this rule. Obviously if your only weapon is a low powered hand gun, it would be wise to make every shot count and thus aiming for the head would be the most practical method of zombie destruction. But if you find yourself with either an automatic or semi-automatic weapon and ammunition to spare the best course of action would be to simply "slow down" the oncoming zombie hoard and make your way to the nearest exit (which you should have found prior if you followed Tip Three!).

Tip Eight - Fire is Not Your Friend: Zombies feel no pain, therefore any weapon that either shoots fire or explodes into fire is not going to be of any help. A zombie will keep moving forward though the flames for as long as it possibly can, spreading the fire along with it. So not only are you putting yourself at risk by using fire, you are putting your entire group at risk as well as whatever place you have taken shelter into. Remember Tip Two? This tip can easily be converted to anyone dumb enough to try and fight zombies with fire! Besides fighting off zombies is going to be tough enough as is let alone one who has the added benefit of flames working towards his or her advantage. Avoid these fire weapons at all costs!



Tip Nine - Zombies Do Not Dance: You can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind. Because if your friends don't dance and if they don't dance well there no friends of mine. ... Actually, let me rephrase that. You can dance if you want to but zombies do not dance and if you think they do you'll quickly be eaten and left behind. Popular myth often showcases the undead moving about in a highly choreographed manor, usually to the amusement of the living folk around them. This could not be further from the truth. For starters zombies lack the general motor skills to move there bodies in such a manor. Even if a zombie could physically dance they lack the brain functions to remember any sort of popular gyration from there past lives. If you run across what appears to be a dancing zombie stop immediately and back out of that situation. Eat some supper. Get some sleep. And make sure you are properly hydrated because those fuckers do not dance!

Tip Ten - Keep on the Move: Another myth populorized by Hollywood is that you can fortify yourself in any old shopping mall or on the top floor of some skyscraper and you will be just fine. In actuality this is not a very good idea. The most obvious reason is that if you do locate some sort of old castle or tall building that would make a perfect place to stay in, guess what, someone else has probably already thought of the same thing. There is a high probability that they are just as heavily armed as you and probably are not to keen on having visitors. If you are lucky enough to be the first person to secure said location, it is almost a guarantee that someone else is thinking of moving in. Your going to spend just as much time fighting off unwanted house guests as you are the undead. Which is another problem that fortifying yourself in one location presents, the undead will not simply quit trying to get in. Ever. They will always be outside looking for a way in and one zombie has a way of attracting two. Two becomes four. Four becomes eight and before long you are surrouned by an entire army of undead assassins, with limited supplies and no way of escape. So really the only obvious thing to do is keep on the move. Keep on the lookout for fresh supplies, more amunition, and try to avoid the heavily populated towns. You can make due for weeks, sometimes even as long as a month, in small farm houses and cottages. So long as you do not draw any extra attention to yourself most people (including the undead) will not even know you are there. The key is to lay as low as possible and your survival rates will increase ten fold.



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