New Study Proves New Study To Be A Waste of Time

A new study by the United States Government, which cost US taxpayers $17.3 million dollars, has proven to be completely useless says spokesman Phil Rakenburger.

"We've spent five years working on this study and came to the conclusion that there is nothing to be concluded." says Phil "At first we thought we had something... but in the end it turned out to be nothing."

The study, which originally was supposed to determine the effects of jazz music on household plants, was supposed to end after six weeks. However when the memo got lost... the study continued.

"At first we thought maybe someone was playing a practical joke on us. But the paychecks never stopped ... so we never stopped working. Even though we never had anything remotely close to a result. Ever. Once we thought we had something, but it turned out one of the interns shit in one of the flower pots and killed the plant. After that, nothing."

When question about what exactly they did for five years, Phil was quick to answer.

"Eventually someone brought in an air hockey table and Wednesdays were taco night. There was a lot of drinking during the latter half of the third year... so I'm a little sketchy on details on that time frame."

This new study has gone a long way in proving absolutely nothing, something Phil Rakenburger is very proud of. "We easily could have stopped and gone and done something productive. But whats the point in that? Anyone can prove anything. We're the first to sit around and not prove anything... and get payed handsomely for it."

In other news... a local man saves kitten from tree, accidentally kills elderly women in process.